Oh what a day.

It all started with a bag of chips. My son was working for a while and he bought some with his money. That was fine and okay but then I wanted to have some of my own, since I didn't ask and since he shared his with his siblings. The problem was I said something to my spouse about wanting to get some, but it was late at night and so there was no way he could get anything. So I figured he'd just figure it out in the morning, but he opted not to go out. So I got a bit upset about it and thought to myself  FINE I'll just go get some myself. Then it hit me....

No I won't. We don't like spending a fortune at the corner store for stuff we can get at a grocery store for less than half the cost. I can't GO to the grocery store because I have a limited amount of bus tickets a month. I have a limited amount of tickets because I am unable to look for work (deferral for disability) and so I don't get to have a buspass, and they don't have to give me bus tickets. Also...since I don't know HOW much we have available to spend in a month, I couldn't go anyway. I wouldn't be able to buy anything even if I took money from what my son gave me as his "portion of the earnings" that will come off our check for his employment income.

I couldn't decide about a simple snack. I was powerless.

That got me to thinking about how I am generally stuck in my house. We don't have a pet, and it used to be when I was all alone before I had a pet to keep me company. But ours died and we can't afford another one.

So then I thought...what am I supposed to do? The computer and the internet are not enough companionship for me. I don't get to talk to many people there, my friends all "have a life". yeah okay so I started to feel sorry for myself. But then again I was also angry because I thought what did I do so wrong that I am forced to stay in my home? Why can't I get out and have something to do.  Why can't I just have a stupid "bad for me" snack if I want to have one. I've been good about it for months now.

It really got to me. In a profound way I have absolutely no control over anything. I suck at the budget so I let him handle that, and I have no money of my own, and no way to go anywhere without counting my tickets and budgeting them out to ensure I have enough to get to the important things each month.

So while I didn't intend to...I did get rather frustrated, and I did get upset at my spouse because I have to depend on him for anything I want, and I didn't want to really ask him to go out "just for me", I wanted there to be something else we had to have first. I wanted him to say don't worry about it, because we didn't have the money anyway, but I didn't hear anything and it made me feel like he wasn't even listening.

I don't want to ask for permission to buy a snack.
I don't want to ask for permission to leave my house because we don't have enough money for me to take the bus whenever I want to go out.
I want to have some say in what I do.
I want to have some money of my own.
I don't want to be alone all the time.
I want to feel like I have some control over my life.

I was being a bit silly/selfish today...but I guess I really did just feel like I am trapped in a box.